Friday, November 14, 2008

Originally Posted
Monday, March 5, 2007
for “Colic Gloomer.”

BOOBY – a woman’s luscious breast

“Boobies are neat; I like them.”

Until the 1950’s the word “boob” referred only to a foolish or stupid person. Wealthy American families in those times would often invite someone who was silly or mildly retarded to their dinner parties for entertainment because everyone else was dull and bloodless and people could not stand each other’s company for very long. For this reason, professional buffoonery was a viable occupation, despite the lack of a union and the problem of sometimes being paid in straw or magic beans.

A local idiot called Stan O was once invited to a soirée at the home of Senator Ralph Torrence, who was preparing for his presidential campaign. In the course of the evening, Stan defecated on the cat, consumed eleven spoons, and set fire to the senator’s wife’s dress. Mrs. Torrence was so incensed by his behavior that she was unable to speak and so she grabbed a nearby cloth napkin and wrote, “You are an incorrigible boob!” When she handed the note to Stan, who was illiterate, he drew on the word “boob” making it resemble a nude woman presenting her breasts and he handed it back to her. When the senator saw the drawing, he laughed uproariously despite his wife’s tears and announced that Stan would now be on the ticket as his Vice President.

On the campaign trail, Senator Torrence forced his wife to flash her breasts to each audience and he called them “boobies.” Torrence lost millions in this endeavor and eventually went mad, but the word “boobies” can still be found today on tasteless humor websites.

(Photo courtesy of the Museum of Tits in Berlin)

~ Joseph Gallows, Psy.D

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Originally Posted
Friday, February 23, 2007
for “Connected Ventures’ Tricycle Made of Poop.”

BUKKAKE – a sexual practice in which a woman allows herself to be ejaculated upon by several gents

“On Sundays, the Thompsons watched bukkake in lieu of performing it because they did not want to soil their church clothes.”

It is widely believed that bukkake was invented and popularized in the 1970’s by Japanese pornographers. This is false. Like most Japanese expressions of creativity such as anime or suicide, bukkake was copied from an American notion.

There was a film made at the height of the Depression by a man called Jonias Follower about a happy baker and his giddy bride. The film was titled “A Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Time.” The climax of the film features the male protagonist presenting his wife with an extremely decadent cake overloaded with frosting. This type of sweet was called a bukkake or “buck cake” because it cost one dollar, an extravagance in those days. In the movie, the baker is comically clumsy and ends up smashing the dessert into his lover’s face. Laughing sheepishly, he remarks, “Golly, sweetie, it looks like me and my chums from the breadline held ya down and took turns cummin’ on your kisser!”

The film was, of course, suppressed until it resurfaced in Japan decades later.

(Censored still image from “Bukkake Lady Springblossom Lady,”
one of the early remakes of the film, courtesy of the Library of Congress)

~ Father of King David - Atomic Number Seventy-Nine

Hallowe’en, 2008

Originally Posted
Monday, February 19, 2007
for “Greenwich Ãœber.”

DILDO – a phallic object used for sexual stimulation

“On Valentine’s Day, the man bought a dildo for his wife because he was an utterly useless and loathsome person.”

It is well documented that women have used penile surrogates throughout history, often taking the form of foreign objects such as vegetables or scimitars. However, the actual word “dildo” can only be traced back to the Middle Ages, when it had its original spelling: “dilldough.” Dilldoughs were elongated loaves of bread impregnated with the oils and leaves of the dill plant, which peasant women in parts of Europe and Africa would insert into their vaginas for a variety of reasons: to house the bread while traveling to avoid taxation, to hide it from their neighbors or children, a generally ineffective deterrent to rape, Tuesday, and as a repellent to witchcraft. Dilldoughs for pleasure were not developed until the nineteenth century, because women had not yet evolved clitorises until this point.

(From The Vespasian Psalter – Naughty Bits, Eighth Century A.D.)

~ Jake Gynosaur, Ph.D

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Dear Sir or Madam,

We are now circling the drain. Symptoms of our penultimacy are all around us. The explorers rest on their traveled laurels. Discovery is an elitist’s game played by the demonized godplayers. Indefatigable ignorance is inseparable from virtue. Genius withers in the glut of screaming opinions. Originality dies its umpteenth death; its shallow grave is raided by the grandsons of Irony.

Our impending end will most likely come in the greatest of anti-climaxes, which will immediately become the smallest of footnotes as our irrelevant point of view is erased. We are but blind, hairless apes clothed in mock dignity, blessed with the intelligence to abuse and inhibit our preposterous survival instincts and to make ourselves utterly miserable.

However, misery is a choice. As is outrage. Offense. Guilt. Everything we feel. Choice. Do you feel ashamed for the privileges you were born with, even if they are what your ancestors broke themselves for you to have? For your health, while millions rot of diseases, which only try to survive like any organism? For your money, which is only invisible numbers whizzing between computers, representing paper representative of precious metals that never existed in the first place? For your happiness, all but fleeting chemical gifts in a brain that bobs in an entropic sea of neuroses and insecurity?

If the have-nots suffer, and the haves lament the have-nots, then no one is happy. I say, forget the wretched and the unlucky. You only have a handful of decades to pilot a factory of pleasure, pain, and waste before you’re shoved back into the eternity from whence you came. It would be a pitiful thing not to enjoy it.

Forget the environment. The earth hasn’t noticed you anyway. Forget fashion and beauty. Everyone’s too fixated on how ugly they are to care how stupid you look. Forget the poor and the needy. They derive more joy out of simply breaking even than you ever would have gotten with your disposable income.

Will we pay the price for a lifestyle of ecstatic apathy? Absolutely. The grand joke is, however, we would have suffered anyway. Ruin is inevitable. Wouldn’t you rather deserve it? Isn’t there a part of you that wants to be the one that brought the Trumpets of Gabriel? Burn the candle at both ends. Break the candle. Burn more ends. Repeat until all is ends and burning.

You’ll find that you won’t be whimpering when the sky opens up. As I’ve said, change is a fool’s errand. It’s all coming down. So, laugh and revel in the condemnation of Human Ambition. Your wasted life is your absolution.

What should you do now? I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. Just don’t spread the word. If we’re going to ride this wave as long as we can, we can’t all be in the passenger’s seat.

Yours Faithfully, The Gentleman of the Site

Friday, October 24, 2008

Originally Posted
Monday, February 12, 2007
for “Call Edge Hue Moor.”

JISM – a vulgar slang term for semen (also jizz or j-spray)

“Rumbletum Bear and Tricky Duck saw that the dead prostitute’s mouth was caked with Old Mister Owl’s jism.”

The Welsh painter Dafydd Morgan was touring the United States in 1849, exhibiting his new series of portraits. Each of the portraits featured somebody from the village where Morgan was born. The paintings also featured an original style, dominated by white, translucent smudges throughout each piece.

During a question-and-answer session in Philadelphia, Morgan was asked if he had a name for his original style of painting, to which he responded, “It’s Smudgism.” This was invariably misheard as “It’s my jism,” due to the accent. The meaning of the new word “jism” was understood from the context of the dirty, dirty foreigner and Dafydd Morgan was tried for offending the sensibilities of the aristocracy, was found innocent, but was summarily stoned to death anyhow. The paintings were burned, but the word “jism” remained, presumably because it is the only word on Dafydd Morgan’s tombstone.

(Self-Portrait of Dafydd Morgan from
“Degenerates of Wales and Their Art” by Meinwen Whorehouse)

~ Prof. Jess Seagold