Originally Posted
Thursday, March 22, 2007
for “Mollusk Hooper.”

BONER – a vulgar slang term for an erection of the penis

Having a boner in math class was embarrassing enough, but then Jimmy was called to the board to solve for “x,” a letter which Jimmy found highly erotic.

There was once an esteemed physician from Illinois by the name of Charles Painbread. He garnered acclaim early in his career for his groundbreaking research on the effects of bees on headaches, and his hospital, St. Queef’s in Chicago, was a model of reform. Painbread’s most radical proposal came in 1917, when he announced the discontinuation of all overly complicated medical terms in order to facilitate patient relations. As part of the proposal, all congenital disorders were re-categorized with easy-to-understand names including “drippers,” “twitchers,” “chokers,” “freakers, and “deaders.”

“Boners” referred to children born with any form of abnormal bone development, including Umberto’s Syndrome, in which a boy’s hipbones are grossly overdeveloped in one direction. Oftentimes with Umberto’s, this growth will align with the reproductive organ creating the appearance of a permanent priapism. Please note that this affliction is not Dumberto’s Syndrome, in which the penis is in the shape of a small elephant.

The term “boner” came to refer to erections because of Chicagoan songwriter Julian Pigg’s hit from 1919, “Henrietta,” which contains these lines: “Henrietta, Henrietta, / You’ve made me a loner. / Now that I am without you, / I’ve only a boner.” The song was referencing Pigg’s divorce from obesity model Henrietta DeToot and the custody of their son, who had Umberto’s Syndrome, but listeners generally made their own interpretations. The popularity of the song outlasted Painbread’s proposal, which was withdrawn after the doctor tried to get the speculum renamed “the clamdigger.” Nevertheless, “boner” also refers to an error or blunder because of Painbread’s blanket term for birth defects: “God’s Mistakes.”

~ Super Jason Go

Originally Posted
Thursday, March 22, 2007
for “Foliage Murmur.”

QUEEF – an emission or expulsion of air from the vagina, usually when it is experiencing some activity or sadness

“Lord Dergon was unsure for some time whom in the brothel he would go to bed with until he heard a loud trumpeting from the direction of Miss Tong, the whore from Siam who could queef at will.”

The term “queef” actually originates from the name of Saint Queef of Barnaby, whom you might have heard of in school or in your nightly recitation of the Litany. She was born Queef Mallery in the east of France in 1639. Extraordinarily devoted to faith as a young girl, Queef spent the majority of her time amongst her local diocese, trying to steal Goddish Things to worship. Notably, she was once caught in her quarters weeping upon a seven hundred pound iron door from the Church of Blingy Blong in Lyons, which had been missing for several days. As there was no earthly explanation for her ability to lift the door, and as this was during the blasé period of witch-hunting in Europe, this incident later counted as her first miracle.

Later on in life, Queef fell into the fad of helping the sick and the poor. Also in this time, much to the embarrassment of her parents, Queef began to fashion her hair into a right-facing gremment, also known as God’s Hairstyle. When she was reproached, she clawed her face with her fingernails and dropped an anvil on her foot. Although French anvils in those times were made of cheese, her further ability to walk became her second miracle due to an oversight in the Catholic Church, which has still not been corrected. Shhhh.

Queef of Barnaby died in Genoa on April 20, 1671 of swallowbite. This was not counted as martyrdom, even though it was a pagan swallow. However, Pope Clement X was in attendance at the wake, as he happened to be in the region supervising the creation of relics from dog bones. Although she had been deceased for days, in the presence of Clement, the corpse of Queef Mallery miraculously and audibly performed the bodily function that would soon become attributed to her name. Stunned to tears, the Pope quickly returned to Rome and Saint Queef was canonized shortly after, forgoing the usual five-year waiting period and swimsuit competition. Saint Queef is the patron saint of concrete, runny things, and Tyra Banks.

~ Rev. Joshua Gravegrumble

Originally Posted
Thursday, March 15, 2007
for “Collard Consumer.”

WATERSPORTS – the sexual practice of urinating on one’s partner and/or having one’s partner urinate on oneself (also called “golden shower” or “disgusting”)

“Longstanding married couple Peter and Gertrude Smith-Braun discovered the joys of watersports as they grew old together and developed mutual incontinence.”

The Olympic games have existed in one form or another for thousands of years. Since their revival in the mid-nineteenth century, the games have been in a constant state of flux. In recent years, we have seen the time between games change from four years to two; the recognition of Canada as a place; and the inclusion of such new events as snowboarding, speed knitting, and dwarf-eating. Little is said, however, about the events that we have lost over the years.

The 1890’s saw the heyday of a series of urine-themed events and indeed of the breed of man who participated in them. There was distance pissing, urine-gulping, and precision urination in snow. In addition, the triathlon at one point consisted of riding a bicycle, strangling a goose, and then pissing one’s pants. Remarkably, there developed sects of athletes who chose to participate in these events exclusively. These titans of micturition spent weeks isolating their pubococcygeus muscles and drinking ever larger quantities of water mixed with sand to expand the bladder and urethra. They lived, breathed, drank, and urinated urination. They formed their own unique lifestyle which they called l’âme du pipi, because the Parisian avant-garde set had already been pissing on each other for centuries.

The urine games in the Olympics died out during the Progressive Era of the early twentieth century, when playing with one’s liquid waste was no longer considered acceptable by polite society. A bit of yellow in one’s afternoon tea was nothing to be ashamed of, but these people were hedonists. At the opening of the 1912 games in Stockholm, the first “dry” Olympics, champion distance pisser Odo Humbolt from Germany famously made this statement: “If I can never again make water in sport, then I shall forever make water out of love.” It is said that for this reason, those who fetishize pee pee and love to wallow in it call their despicable pastime “watersports.” The current world record for distance pissing is 73.8 meters, held by Odo Humbolt of Germany.

(Photograph of Odo Humbolt recovered from his former residence in Hamburg)

~ Sir Javier Greenhouse

Originally Posted
Thursday, March 15, 2007
for “LOL-ed Shroomer.”

DICK – an informal and often vulgar term for the central male reproductive organ

“Steven’s dick had spots on it, for he was a Spotted Man.”

In the beginning, human reproduction was a relatively complicated procedure involving whistles and handshakes and often took as long as ten months. The genitalia that males currently had to work with was a small, fork-like appendage used mainly for holding olives which females were or were not allowed to consume depending on whimsy. Thus, the population at this point in history was only about seventy thousand strong.

All of this changed in the year 35,000 B.T. when the first man with genitals resembling those of modern man was born. He was a vile, unpleasant fiend with a gaping suckerhole of a mouth and a shock of frizzy red hair running from his ears to his arse. His name was Richard, but for reasons known only to him he referred to himself – and his member – as “Dick.”

The forerunning males were effortlessly cast aside as Dick swiftly and violently became the progenitor of our species as it exists today. All of us, including myself, are the direct descendents of the first dick or Dick Prime. “Dick” is actually the proper term for the male sex organ, as it was in antiquity. The usage was changed in the fifteenth century when the first biology textbook was published by James Penis.

(Dick Prime is only fully recognized and celebrated in Japanese culture)

~ Jonathan Grover IV

Originally Posted
Thursday, March 8, 2007
for “Balded Flumer.”

G-SPOT – a dubious erogenous zone on the female body that, if located, will make one win

“Mrs. Banana kept her g-spot so secret that no man would have ever been able to find it, had they cared to look.”

The g-spot was first theorized in 1944 by Ernst Gräfenberg, a German gynecologist. Prior to Gräfenberg, the primary female erogenous zone was believed to be behind the eyeball or irrelevant. When the doctor presented his findings of a bundle of highly sensitive nerves near the urethra to his colleagues, he was reminded that there was a war on and told to “stop thinking about pussy so much.” He was eventually forced out of his practice for this reason, although the fact that he was Jewish might have also had something to do with it. G-spot stands for: Gräfenberg – Super Posilating Ophenian Tuvanin.

(From Dr. Gräfenberg’s journals, one of his original hypotheses)

~ Jackson Girlfeather Esq.

Originally Posted
Monday, March 5, 2007
for “Colic Gloomer.”

BOOBY – a woman’s luscious breast

“Boobies are neat; I like them.”

Until the 1950’s the word “boob” referred only to a foolish or stupid person. Wealthy American families in those times would often invite someone who was silly or mildly retarded to their dinner parties for entertainment because everyone else was dull and bloodless and people could not stand each other’s company for very long. For this reason, professional buffoonery was a viable occupation, despite the lack of a union and the problem of sometimes being paid in straw or magic beans.

A local idiot called Stan O was once invited to a soirée at the home of Senator Ralph Torrence, who was preparing for his presidential campaign. In the course of the evening, Stan defecated on the cat, consumed eleven spoons, and set fire to the senator’s wife’s dress. Mrs. Torrence was so incensed by his behavior that she was unable to speak and so she grabbed a nearby cloth napkin and wrote, “You are an incorrigible boob!” When she handed the note to Stan, who was illiterate, he drew on the word “boob” making it resemble a nude woman presenting her breasts and he handed it back to her. When the senator saw the drawing, he laughed uproariously despite his wife’s tears and announced that Stan would now be on the ticket as his Vice President.

On the campaign trail, Senator Torrence forced his wife to flash her breasts to each audience and he called them “boobies.” Torrence lost millions in this endeavor and eventually went mad, but the word “boobies” can still be found today on tasteless humor websites.

(Photo courtesy of the Museum of Tits in Berlin)

~ Joseph Gallows, Psy.D

Originally Posted
Friday, February 23, 2007
for “Connected Ventures’ Tricycle Made of Poop.”

BUKKAKE – a sexual practice in which a woman allows herself to be ejaculated upon by several gents

“On Sundays, the Thompsons watched bukkake in lieu of performing it because they did not want to soil their church clothes.”

It is widely believed that bukkake was invented and popularized in the 1970’s by Japanese pornographers. This is false. Like most Japanese expressions of creativity such as anime or suicide, bukkake was copied from an American notion.

There was a film made at the height of the Depression by a man called Jonias Follower about a happy baker and his giddy bride. The film was titled “A Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Time.” The climax of the film features the male protagonist presenting his wife with an extremely decadent cake overloaded with frosting. This type of sweet was called a bukkake or “buck cake” because it cost one dollar, an extravagance in those days. In the movie, the baker is comically clumsy and ends up smashing the dessert into his lover’s face. Laughing sheepishly, he remarks, “Golly, sweetie, it looks like me and my chums from the breadline held ya down and took turns cummin’ on your kisser!”

The film was, of course, suppressed until it resurfaced in Japan decades later.

(Censored still image from “Bukkake Lady Springblossom Lady,”
one of the early remakes of the film, courtesy of the Library of Congress)

~ Father of King David - Atomic Number Seventy-Nine

Originally Posted
Monday, February 19, 2007
for “Greenwich Über.”

DILDO – a phallic object used for sexual stimulation

“On Valentine’s Day, the man bought a dildo for his wife because he was an utterly useless and loathsome person.”

It is well documented that women have used penile surrogates throughout history, often taking the form of foreign objects such as vegetables or scimitars. However, the actual word “dildo” can only be traced back to the Middle Ages, when it had its original spelling: “dilldough.” Dilldoughs were elongated loaves of bread impregnated with the oils and leaves of the dill plant, which peasant women in parts of Europe and Africa would insert into their vaginas for a variety of reasons: to house the bread while traveling to avoid taxation, to hide it from their neighbors or children, a generally ineffective deterrent to rape, Tuesday, and as a repellent to witchcraft. Dilldoughs for pleasure were not developed until the nineteenth century, because women had not yet evolved clitorises until this point.

(From The Vespasian Psalter – Naughty Bits, Eighth Century A.D.)

~ Jake Gynosaur, Ph.D

Dear Sir or Madam,

We are now circling the drain. Symptoms of our penultimacy are all around us. The explorers rest on their traveled laurels. Discovery is an elitist’s game played by the demonized godplayers. Indefatigable ignorance is inseparable from virtue. Genius withers in the glut of screaming opinions. Originality dies its umpteenth death; its shallow grave is raided by the grandsons of Irony.

Our impending end will most likely come in the greatest of anti-climaxes, which will immediately become the smallest of footnotes as our irrelevant point of view is erased. We are but blind, hairless apes clothed in mock dignity, blessed with the intelligence to abuse and inhibit our preposterous survival instincts and to make ourselves utterly miserable.

However, misery is a choice. As is outrage. Offense. Guilt. Everything we feel. Choice. Do you feel ashamed for the privileges you were born with, even if they are what your ancestors broke themselves for you to have? For your health, while millions rot of diseases, which only try to survive like any organism? For your money, which is only invisible numbers whizzing between computers, representing paper representative of precious metals that never existed in the first place? For your happiness, all but fleeting chemical gifts in a brain that bobs in an entropic sea of neuroses and insecurity?

If the have-nots suffer, and the haves lament the have-nots, then no one is happy. I say, forget the wretched and the unlucky. You only have a handful of decades to pilot a factory of pleasure, pain, and waste before you’re shoved back into the eternity from whence you came. It would be a pitiful thing not to enjoy it.

Forget the environment. The earth hasn’t noticed you anyway. Forget fashion and beauty. Everyone’s too fixated on how ugly they are to care how stupid you look. Forget the poor and the needy. They derive more joy out of simply breaking even than you ever would have gotten with your disposable income.

Will we pay the price for a lifestyle of ecstatic apathy? Absolutely. The grand joke is, however, we would have suffered anyway. Ruin is inevitable. Wouldn’t you rather deserve it? Isn’t there a part of you that wants to be the one that brought the Trumpets of Gabriel? Burn the candle at both ends. Break the candle. Burn more ends. Repeat until all is ends and burning.

You’ll find that you won’t be whimpering when the sky opens up. As I’ve said, change is a fool’s errand. It’s all coming down. So, laugh and revel in the condemnation of Human Ambition. Your wasted life is your absolution.

What should you do now? I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. Just don’t spread the word. If we’re going to ride this wave as long as we can, we can’t all be in the passenger’s seat.

Yours Faithfully, The Gentleman of the Site

Originally Posted
Monday, February 12, 2007
for “Call Edge Hue Moor.”

JISM – a vulgar slang term for semen (also jizz or j-spray)

“Rumbletum Bear and Tricky Duck saw that the dead prostitute’s mouth was caked with Old Mister Owl’s jism.”

The Welsh painter Dafydd Morgan was touring the United States in 1849, exhibiting his new series of portraits. Each of the portraits featured somebody from the village where Morgan was born. The paintings also featured an original style, dominated by white, translucent smudges throughout each piece.

During a question-and-answer session in Philadelphia, Morgan was asked if he had a name for his original style of painting, to which he responded, “It’s Smudgism.” This was invariably misheard as “It’s my jism,” due to the accent. The meaning of the new word “jism” was understood from the context of the dirty, dirty foreigner and Dafydd Morgan was tried for offending the sensibilities of the aristocracy, was found innocent, but was summarily stoned to death anyhow. The paintings were burned, but the word “jism” remained, presumably because it is the only word on Dafydd Morgan’s tombstone.

(Self-Portrait of Dafydd Morgan from
“Degenerates of Wales and Their Art” by Meinwen Whorehouse)

~ Prof. Jess Seagold