Thursday, August 28, 2008

Dear Sir or Madam,

Normally when I am perusing my expansive wine cellar, my mind is at peace. Perhaps it is a calm before the storm to come, but in the company of my most special bottles and casks and plastic bags, I am quite carefree. The only dilemmas I encounter are minor ones such as which is the Bordeaux that the Queen gave me and which is the one that I have poisoned for when I next visit the Queen.

However, the other day, I was examining my prized possession — an original 1951 Beaujolais Nouveau — when I discovered this device:

Sort of evokes H. R. Giger and Dr. Seuss, doesn’t it? I had no idea what it was and certainly not how to use it nor what it might be doing amongst my Pinot Noir and Poulòuferie.

So puzzled and disturbed by the little intruder was I that I resorted to a secret brain trust. Completely outside my normal social circles, lest my lapse of omniscience be made public, these unscrupulous and cunning minds could be counted on to reveal any and all hidden truths of man and his wonders.

Closing the drapes, I released carrier pigeons and flushed carrier lizards down the toilet. I sent encoded messages to the major media centres and painted secret blood on secret doors. Soon after, the reply came crashing through an upstairs window, scratched onto a slate of obsidian with a dead man’s finger. They were busy, so I tried Craigslist.

…

hi 38 bi italian guy, goodlooking, thick beefy bod and cock 511 235 l bs 7 cut thick very masculine discrete safe neg a must, cleancut, clean say hi, you live alone ? i got a few ideas for that thing

~ Mike S., whom I now know far too much about.

…

hey man,

you’re cute
what about using it to open a beer bottle
…while it is plugged in your ass?????
michael

~ Michael B., who will be opening neither beer nor
my ass and most certainly not one with the other.

…

nice lets play

~ James H., who should be fucking castrated over a
period of weeks and then strung up by his ankles
so he suffocates on his sagging tits.

…

I later discovered that the gadget is meant to be a temporary cork for closing open wine bottles, thus making all those who claimed it was a “bottle opener” wrong beyond all the other ways they are so godawful wrong.

Being that I have never left a bottle of wine unspent once sprung, and I certainly have no intention of starting now, I alas have no use for it. I shall present it to the Queen, armed with some inventive multi-tasking tips.

Yours Faithfully, The Gentleman of the Site