Friday, December 5, 2008

Originally Posted
Thursday, March 15, 2007
for “Collard Consumer.”

WATERSPORTS – the sexual practice of urinating on one’s partner and/or having one’s partner urinate on oneself (also called “golden shower” or “disgusting”)

“Longstanding married couple Peter and Gertrude Smith-Braun discovered the joys of watersports as they grew old together and developed mutual incontinence.”

The Olympic games have existed in one form or another for thousands of years. Since their revival in the mid-nineteenth century, the games have been in a constant state of flux. In recent years, we have seen the time between games change from four years to two; the recognition of Canada as a place; and the inclusion of such new events as snowboarding, speed knitting, and dwarf-eating. Little is said, however, about the events that we have lost over the years.

The 1890’s saw the heyday of a series of urine-themed events and indeed of the breed of man who participated in them. There was distance pissing, urine-gulping, and precision urination in snow. In addition, the triathlon at one point consisted of riding a bicycle, strangling a goose, and then pissing one’s pants. Remarkably, there developed sects of athletes who chose to participate in these events exclusively. These titans of micturition spent weeks isolating their pubococcygeus muscles and drinking ever larger quantities of water mixed with sand to expand the bladder and urethra. They lived, breathed, drank, and urinated urination. They formed their own unique lifestyle which they called l’âme du pipi, because the Parisian avant-garde set had already been pissing on each other for centuries.

The urine games in the Olympics died out during the Progressive Era of the early twentieth century, when playing with one’s liquid waste was no longer considered acceptable by polite society. A bit of yellow in one’s afternoon tea was nothing to be ashamed of, but these people were hedonists. At the opening of the 1912 games in Stockholm, the first “dry” Olympics, champion distance pisser Odo Humbolt from Germany famously made this statement: “If I can never again make water in sport, then I shall forever make water out of love.” It is said that for this reason, those who fetishize pee pee and love to wallow in it call their despicable pastime “watersports.” The current world record for distance pissing is 73.8 meters, held by Odo Humbolt of Germany.

(Photograph of Odo Humbolt recovered from his former residence in Hamburg)

~ Sir Javier Greenhouse