Friday, December 12, 2008

Originally Posted
Thursday, March 22, 2007
for “Foliage Murmur.”

QUEEF – an emission or expulsion of air from the vagina, usually when it is experiencing some activity or sadness

“Lord Dergon was unsure for some time whom in the brothel he would go to bed with until he heard a loud trumpeting from the direction of Miss Tong, the whore from Siam who could queef at will.”

The term “queef” actually originates from the name of Saint Queef of Barnaby, whom you might have heard of in school or in your nightly recitation of the Litany. She was born Queef Mallery in the east of France in 1639. Extraordinarily devoted to faith as a young girl, Queef spent the majority of her time amongst her local diocese, trying to steal Goddish Things to worship. Notably, she was once caught in her quarters weeping upon a seven hundred pound iron door from the Church of Blingy Blong in Lyons, which had been missing for several days. As there was no earthly explanation for her ability to lift the door, and as this was during the blasé period of witch-hunting in Europe, this incident later counted as her first miracle.

Later on in life, Queef fell into the fad of helping the sick and the poor. Also in this time, much to the embarrassment of her parents, Queef began to fashion her hair into a right-facing gremment, also known as God’s Hairstyle. When she was reproached, she clawed her face with her fingernails and dropped an anvil on her foot. Although French anvils in those times were made of cheese, her further ability to walk became her second miracle due to an oversight in the Catholic Church, which has still not been corrected. Shhhh.

Queef of Barnaby died in Genoa on April 20, 1671 of swallowbite. This was not counted as martyrdom, even though it was a pagan swallow. However, Pope Clement X was in attendance at the wake, as he happened to be in the region supervising the creation of relics from dog bones. Although she had been deceased for days, in the presence of Clement, the corpse of Queef Mallery miraculously and audibly performed the bodily function that would soon become attributed to her name. Stunned to tears, the Pope quickly returned to Rome and Saint Queef was canonized shortly after, forgoing the usual five-year waiting period and swimsuit competition. Saint Queef is the patron saint of concrete, runny things, and Tyra Banks.

~ Rev. Joshua Gravegrumble