Saturday, December 20, 2008

Originally Posted
Thursday, March 22, 2007
for “Mollusk Hooper.”

BONER – a vulgar slang term for an erection of the penis

Having a boner in math class was embarrassing enough, but then Jimmy was called to the board to solve for “x,” a letter which Jimmy found highly erotic.

There was once an esteemed physician from Illinois by the name of Charles Painbread. He garnered acclaim early in his career for his groundbreaking research on the effects of bees on headaches, and his hospital, St. Queef’s in Chicago, was a model of reform. Painbread’s most radical proposal came in 1917, when he announced the discontinuation of all overly complicated medical terms in order to facilitate patient relations. As part of the proposal, all congenital disorders were re-categorized with easy-to-understand names including “drippers,” “twitchers,” “chokers,” “freakers, and “deaders.”

“Boners” referred to children born with any form of abnormal bone development, including Umberto’s Syndrome, in which a boy’s hipbones are grossly overdeveloped in one direction. Oftentimes with Umberto’s, this growth will align with the reproductive organ creating the appearance of a permanent priapism. Please note that this affliction is not Dumberto’s Syndrome, in which the penis is in the shape of a small elephant.

The term “boner” came to refer to erections because of Chicagoan songwriter Julian Pigg’s hit from 1919, “Henrietta,” which contains these lines: “Henrietta, Henrietta, / You’ve made me a loner. / Now that I am without you, / I’ve only a boner.” The song was referencing Pigg’s divorce from obesity model Henrietta DeToot and the custody of their son, who had Umberto’s Syndrome, but listeners generally made their own interpretations. The popularity of the song outlasted Painbread’s proposal, which was withdrawn after the doctor tried to get the speculum renamed “the clamdigger.” Nevertheless, “boner” also refers to an error or blunder because of Painbread’s blanket term for birth defects: “God’s Mistakes.”

~ Super Jason Go