Black Friday, November 28, 2008

Originally Posted
Thursday, March 15, 2007
for “LOL-ed Shroomer.”

DICK – an informal and often vulgar term for the central male reproductive organ

“Steven’s dick had spots on it, for he was a Spotted Man.”

In the beginning, human reproduction was a relatively complicated procedure involving whistles and handshakes and often took as long as ten months. The genitalia that males currently had to work with was a small, fork-like appendage used mainly for holding olives which females were or were not allowed to consume depending on whimsy. Thus, the population at this point in history was only about seventy thousand strong.

All of this changed in the year 35,000 B.T. when the first man with genitals resembling those of modern man was born. He was a vile, unpleasant fiend with a gaping suckerhole of a mouth and a shock of frizzy red hair running from his ears to his arse. His name was Richard, but for reasons known only to him he referred to himself – and his member – as “Dick.”

The forerunning males were effortlessly cast aside as Dick swiftly and violently became the progenitor of our species as it exists today. All of us, including myself, are the direct descendents of the first dick or Dick Prime. “Dick” is actually the proper term for the male sex organ, as it was in antiquity. The usage was changed in the fifteenth century when the first biology textbook was published by James Penis.

(Dick Prime is only fully recognized and celebrated in Japanese culture)

~ Jonathan Grover IV

Friday, November 21, 2008

Originally Posted
Thursday, March 8, 2007
for “Balded Flumer.”

G-SPOT – a dubious erogenous zone on the female body that, if located, will make one win

“Mrs. Banana kept her g-spot so secret that no man would have ever been able to find it, had they cared to look.”

The g-spot was first theorized in 1944 by Ernst Gräfenberg, a German gynecologist. Prior to Gräfenberg, the primary female erogenous zone was believed to be behind the eyeball or irrelevant. When the doctor presented his findings of a bundle of highly sensitive nerves near the urethra to his colleagues, he was reminded that there was a war on and told to “stop thinking about pussy so much.” He was eventually forced out of his practice for this reason, although the fact that he was Jewish might have also had something to do with it. G-spot stands for: Gräfenberg – Super Posilating Ophenian Tuvanin.

(From Dr. Gräfenberg’s journals, one of his original hypotheses)

~ Jackson Girlfeather Esq.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Originally Posted
Monday, March 5, 2007
for “Colic Gloomer.”

BOOBY – a woman’s luscious breast

“Boobies are neat; I like them.”

Until the 1950’s the word “boob” referred only to a foolish or stupid person. Wealthy American families in those times would often invite someone who was silly or mildly retarded to their dinner parties for entertainment because everyone else was dull and bloodless and people could not stand each other’s company for very long. For this reason, professional buffoonery was a viable occupation, despite the lack of a union and the problem of sometimes being paid in straw or magic beans.

A local idiot called Stan O was once invited to a soirée at the home of Senator Ralph Torrence, who was preparing for his presidential campaign. In the course of the evening, Stan defecated on the cat, consumed eleven spoons, and set fire to the senator’s wife’s dress. Mrs. Torrence was so incensed by his behavior that she was unable to speak and so she grabbed a nearby cloth napkin and wrote, “You are an incorrigible boob!” When she handed the note to Stan, who was illiterate, he drew on the word “boob” making it resemble a nude woman presenting her breasts and he handed it back to her. When the senator saw the drawing, he laughed uproariously despite his wife’s tears and announced that Stan would now be on the ticket as his Vice President.

On the campaign trail, Senator Torrence forced his wife to flash her breasts to each audience and he called them “boobies.” Torrence lost millions in this endeavor and eventually went mad, but the word “boobies” can still be found today on tasteless humor websites.

(Photo courtesy of the Museum of Tits in Berlin)

~ Joseph Gallows, Psy.D

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Originally Posted
Friday, February 23, 2007
for “Connected Ventures’ Tricycle Made of Poop.”

BUKKAKE – a sexual practice in which a woman allows herself to be ejaculated upon by several gents

“On Sundays, the Thompsons watched bukkake in lieu of performing it because they did not want to soil their church clothes.”

It is widely believed that bukkake was invented and popularized in the 1970’s by Japanese pornographers. This is false. Like most Japanese expressions of creativity such as anime or suicide, bukkake was copied from an American notion.

There was a film made at the height of the Depression by a man called Jonias Follower about a happy baker and his giddy bride. The film was titled “A Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Time.” The climax of the film features the male protagonist presenting his wife with an extremely decadent cake overloaded with frosting. This type of sweet was called a bukkake or “buck cake” because it cost one dollar, an extravagance in those days. In the movie, the baker is comically clumsy and ends up smashing the dessert into his lover’s face. Laughing sheepishly, he remarks, “Golly, sweetie, it looks like me and my chums from the breadline held ya down and took turns cummin’ on your kisser!”

The film was, of course, suppressed until it resurfaced in Japan decades later.

(Censored still image from “Bukkake Lady Springblossom Lady,”
one of the early remakes of the film, courtesy of the Library of Congress)

~ Father of King David - Atomic Number Seventy-Nine