Dear Website Owner,

If I could get you five times the RELEVANT traffic at a substantially reduced cost would you be interested? National Positions can place your website on top of the Natural Listings on Google, Yahoo and MSN. Our Search Engine Optimization team delivers more top rankings than anyone else and we can prove it. We do not use “link farms” or “black hat” methods that Google and the other search engines frown upon and can use to de-list or ban your site. The techniques are proprietary, involving some valuable closely held trade secrets. Our prices are less than half of what other companies charge.

I would be happy to send you a proposal using the top search phrases for your area of expertise. Please contact me at your convenience so I can start saving you some money. Please do not hesitate to email or call me if you would like further information.

Sincerely, Chris B. (Calabasas, CA)

Dear Crispy,

I find most relevant traffic — even when the adjective is so extravagantly capitalized — to be overrated. I happen to enjoy the fact that a percentage of my viewership is from people haphazardly entering one of the many words I’ve coined over the past few months into a search engine. Rutabagel. There, now my fanbase has swollen to encompass eccentric Jewish bakers. All for free. Can you reduce the cost of free? I submit that you cannot.

In addition, I take offense to your condemnations so-quoted as to ostracize them from the other words. I’ll have you know I come from a long line of link farmers. Big burly fellows, up at the hump before the crack of dawn to plant and harvest the links. Hours of toil, watering and tending and the rubbing of oil. The links would shoot up, links of all sizes, some high as a gryphon’s eye. I used to ride them, because I’ve decided they’re animals now, not plants as I suggested earlier in this farce. I rode the links to market, and you’d damn well better believe I wore a black hat. I’m eating a link breast sandwich with a light link salad on the side. In my dandy F-your-proposal black hat.

Now stop sending me vaguely helpful emilies and get back to “tieens showerd in see-men.”

Yours Faithfully, The Gentleman of the Site

If you would like to send me an emily that I might place it on the front of this site, which in many ways is like the Internet’s refrigerator, so you may pretend that to-day’s cartoon was drawn just for you, please consult the Contact page or just fire randomly at gentleman@gentlemancomics.com.