Dear Viewers Of Television Commercials,

Did you know that oxygen is only about two years old? The gas, rather, not the women’s network. Well, actually that’s not true. Oxygen was around for a while prior to two years ago, but nobody really used it back then and those that did were called foolish and “indie.” Then Apple puts oxygen in one wretched iPod Nano commercial and now, “Oh, I’ve always breathed!” Pathetic.

Yours Faithfully, The Gentleman of the Site

Dear Sir or Madam,

At one time or another, I have seen things that are, perhaps, not truly there. A shadow leaps and dances in the periphery of vision, a moment of chance eye contact becomes a desirous leer in Bacchus’s bias. One Thursday evening, I witnessed eleven tiny mice piloting a mechanical phoenix across the western sky, leaving a brilliant trail of colours until then unknown to human imagination. Error or no, it is a decidedly more interesting mistake to make to see something that is not there than to not see something which is in fact there, so it follows that an interesting person would make it.

I was discussing this subject in the drawing room with Lewis Walnut Burrows, a mutual friend. He was arguing that reality is defined by our perceptions and therefore whatever one sees, hallucinatory or otherwise, may be defined as real. Thoughtfully I licked the powdered sugar off of a lemon tartlet, stated that I perceive all women as giant gaping vaginas with legs and opinions and if I acted as if this were so I would have difficulty maintaining my social influence let alone my freedom, and placed it back on the tray. He paused then, attempted to say something, and failed. “Also, old chap,” I continued, “are you aware that you are not actually a person in this room?”

It was then that Lewis transmogrified back into my Louis XIV walnut bureau. Naturally, the debate was mine. I do always win in these situations, you know, and not only because my opponents are inanimate objects. (My armoire’s tongue is as silver as its hinges when it comes to the subjectivity of truth — although it was once owned by Kierkegaard) You see, reality can be defined by your perceptions, but only if everyone around you subscribes to them. If the world were only to bend to my view of it, it would be a much better place, I’m sure — and if you become sure as well, then I’m right. Ladies…?

Yours Faithfully, The Gentleman of the Site